When One Partner Wants Couples Therapy and the Other Doesn’t
Navigating Resistance with Compassion
Relationships are built on connection, trust, and shared experiences, but even the strongest partnerships can face challenges that feel difficult to navigate alone. When one partner expresses a desire to seek couples therapy and the other resists, it can create tension and uncertainty about how to move forward.
As an attachment-based therapist, I often see couples grappling with this dynamic. Therapy can feel vulnerable, intimidating, or unnecessary to the partner who is hesitant, even if the other sees it as an essential step toward healing. If you find yourself in this situation, there are ways to approach the conversation with compassion, understanding, and a focus on your shared bond.
Why One Partner Might Resist Therapy
It’s important to acknowledge that resistance to therapy doesn’t necessarily mean a lack of care or commitment to the relationship. There are many reasons why someone might be hesitant, such as:
Fear of Judgment: Worry about being blamed, criticized, or judged by the therapist or their partner.
Stigma About Therapy: Cultural or personal beliefs that therapy is a sign of failure or weakness.
Unawareness of Issues: They might not perceive the relationship challenges as serious or in need of intervention.
Fear of Vulnerability: Concerns about opening up emotionally or revisiting painful experiences.
Practical Concerns: Logistical issues like time, cost, or feeling overwhelmed by other priorities.
By understanding the potential reasons behind their hesitation, you can approach the conversation with empathy rather than frustration.
How to Navigate This Disagreement
If you’re the partner seeking therapy, you might feel stuck or unsure how to address the resistance without escalating conflict. Here are some strategies to help bridge the gap:
- Choose the Right Time and Place
Timing matters when discussing sensitive topics. Choose a moment when both of you are calm, undistracted, and open to dialogue. Avoid bringing up therapy during or immediately after an argument, as emotions might already be heightened.
- Focus on the Relationship, Not Blame
Frame the conversation in terms of your shared connection rather than focusing on your partner’s behavior. Instead of saying, “You need to change,” try, “I want us to feel closer and work through this together.” Highlight that therapy is about strengthening the relationship, not assigning fault.
- Share Your Vulnerability
Express why therapy feels important to you in a way that invites understanding rather than defensiveness. Share your feelings openly and honestly. For example:
“I love us, and I’m scared of us drifting apart.”
“I’ve been feeling disconnected, and I want us to find a way back to each other.”
When you lead with vulnerability, your partner may feel more open to exploring the idea.
- Normalize Therapy
Explain that therapy isn’t about fixing a “broken” relationship; it’s about learning new tools and deepening understanding. Share examples of how many strong couples use therapy as a proactive resource to grow together.
- Address Concerns
Ask your partner about their hesitations and listen without judgment. Do they feel nervous about being vulnerable? Are they unsure what therapy involves? Addressing these concerns together can reduce anxiety about the unknown.
- Offer to Take the First Step Together
Reassure your partner that you’ll navigate this process as a team. Offer to research therapists together or suggest starting with a single session as a low-pressure way to explore the experience.
- Seek Support Individually
If your partner continues to resist, consider seeking individual therapy yourself. Working on your own emotional well-being can bring clarity, help you manage frustration, and even shift the dynamic in your relationship. Often, when one partner begins to make changes, the other becomes more open to the idea of therapy.
When Resistance Persists
If your partner remains unwilling, it’s natural to feel disheartened. In this situation, it’s important to remember:
You Can’t Force Change: Therapy works best when both partners are willing participants. Pressuring or coercing your partner may backfire and create more resistance.
Your Needs Matter: It’s okay to set boundaries and express how their reluctance impacts you. For example, “I feel stuck because I need us to work on this together, and I’m not sure how to move forward without help.”
Ultimately, the decision to attend therapy must come from a place of shared commitment and mutual respect.
The Benefits of Therapy—For Both Partners
For couples who engage in therapy, the benefits can be transformative:
Improved Communication: Learn to express needs and emotions effectively.
Stronger Connection: Deepen emotional intimacy and understanding.
Healthier Conflict Resolution: Identify and break unhealthy patterns.
Renewed Partnership: Rebuild trust and foster a sense of teamwork.
Even if one partner begins the journey alone, the process of self-reflection and growth can ripple into the relationship, creating opportunities for new dialogue and connection.
Finding the Path Forward
Navigating this disagreement requires patience, empathy, and a focus on your shared goals as a couple. If you’re in this situation, know that you’re not alone—many couples face similar challenges, and there is hope for moving forward together.
As an attachment-based therapist, I specialize in helping couples uncover the emotional patterns driving their disconnection. Whether you both choose to come to therapy or one of you starts the process individually, the goal is always the same: to strengthen your relationship and create a safe, secure bond.
If you’re ready to take the next step—whether together or on your own—I’m here to support you. Reach out today.
